livianez....

I've been writing this post for the last two hours in my head, or at least I have put it into words in the last two hours. Actually, the mental process to come to this place has taken around 20 days.

I still find weird that I can only put thought together in English. I have to theories about it: I only write in English for my work, therefore I'm used to it, or I just don't have emotional tights to Spanish. I incline more for the second.

I've been in dark places again this last few days, but they did not come spontaneously, I saw them coming. The first thought came together with the realization that for several days I was fine. However, fine is just a way to say that I was too distracted with immediate problems. Now that those are kind of under control, the "livianez" (insignificance?) of my own existence came back.

Today I spend 30 min in the shower. I was not even scrubbing, of washing my hair. I was just being. I closed my eyes and felt how I was dissolving with the water, how nice it felt to just feel that I was disappearing. I imagined L coming home and finding the water running but not me under it. Wondering what has happened in her own house. I imagined her trying to find my ghost in the house. I imagined who will notice that my social media accounts do not work, or that I don't reply to messages. I realized that very few people will notice my absence. I thought that the "worst" that will happen is that my parents will have to pay themselves the house where they will live next year. But besides that small financial bump for them, there would be little to no consequences. The news will never go to Colombia, and those who ever existed in my head will never know that I'm water now. The same will go to those I have encountered in Europe, they might think one day of what would have been of me, but I'm sure they will think I'm living a wonderful life, one that was so important for me that I left everything, everyone, behind.

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S asked me to write down which are my values, and what is on the way for me to achieve them. I'l not sure my values are valid, I'm not even sure if those are MY values of is they were kind implanted. Moreover, I'm supposed to write only the causes that under my control because I suppose that is how he will work about them. Although I agree with that aspect I really wonder how much my environment has an impact on what is happening to me. I can easily say how my relationship with my family has a negative influence on me achieving my goals. I also see how toxic relationships have prepared the stage for my emotional state.

....llena los sentidos....

The piano of Yan Tiersen. Somehow it feels like I'm the one playing the piano when I'm writing.